Communication

As this entire blog makes clear, Dominant/submissive interplay can take place in many different ways. Some Dominants and submissives live together on a full time basis and have integrated BDSM into their everyday life. Some live apart from one another but have a constant and committed relationship or mentorship in one fashion or another. Finally, there are those who are simply committed to non-committed play.

Those in the committed relationships previously mentioned typically have something that the casual player does not have upon meeting someone for the first time- knowledge of one another, and the ever-important and vital trust. Those who play, however, are faced with an ever-familiar search for a compatible play-partner. It is important, particularly when using the internet as a forum to meet someone to play with, to be diligent in ensuring that both parties have their cards on the table. Whether a Dominant or a submissive, we know what we want to get out of a session, but the question that must be asked is, ‘does it match what he wants.’

I am reminded of a sub friend of mine in New York who, about four years ago, wrote me an email informing me of a terrible spanking session he had with a Dominant he met over the internet. The intensity of the session went far beyond his limits and he left feeling injured, furious, and violated. Curious, I pulled up my friend’s internet profile to find that he had been advertising that he “needed a daddy to give a real no-nonsense punishment spanking that [he] will remember for days” (no more information provided). As you might imagine, I was left wondering exactly what my buddy expected to get. The back-story of this misadventure was that my friend really just wanted to have fun, and unwittingly met this man with almost no conversation…. and why? Because he was spank-hungry and thinking with the wrong head. s b Vince has appropriately defined punishment in this blog (see ‘Punishment’) as something that one does not want repeated. In this sense, my friend had his request fulfilled- but he was angry none the less. This example clearly shows that there is a very clear difference between play and punishment….. and the line that separates them is communication.

Many players use role-play to break the ice and fulfill fantasy. The term “role-play” suggests that everyone involved is acting out an agreed-upon scene and playing a part. Although a specific scenario or character may be a major turn on, it is extremely important for each person to know who they are truly dealing with. Other players do not wish to role-play at all, and have more real and personal motives for the session. It is no less important for these people to share their expectations with their play-partner, so that misunderstandings and conflict can be avoided.

It cannot be emphasized enough that when playing (particularly with a new person), both Dominants and submissives SHARE responsibility for the outcome of the session. I pointed the finger at my friend earlier in this entry, but I must remember that when I point my finger at someone, I have three pointing back at me. I, myself, admit to having put myself in situations where I jumped from ecstasy to fury in a millisecond because I didn’t communicate my limits with the Dominant. If I ask for a beating and use ambiguous words like “hard” or “severe” or “long”, and choose to be stoic, I have withdrawn my right to assign blame later and say that the Dominant “went too long”, “was too severe”, or “hit me too hard.” Dominants have a mirror responsibility to be vigilant about what they are doing and use common sense in determining whether they are taking a submissive beyond what they are prepared to take (see blog entry “Reading a Sub” by s b Vince).

BDSM play of all kinds can be a great deal of fun and can also fulfill of some of our deepest wants and needs. I think most people into this scene at one time or another have probably had a session go sour or have been misled by a play-partner. These things happen from time to time. However, it is important for us all to remember that many times we will get EXACTLY what we ask for… so communication, as well as safe, smart, honest play are paramount.

-Joey