Apologies

For those of you that regularly read or follow my blog, I must offer you an apology. I have not blogged for two days and that is not acceptable. I have been grieving for an old friend and have not kept up with my duties.
Wendell was the first semi-adult man that I ever spanked. He was also the first man that I ever fucked.
This all happen in the summer of 1982. I was a linebacker for out high school football team and he was the quarterback. He lived less than a quarter mile from my parent’s house. During the summers, we would build forts and have mock battles with other kids in the neighborhood. One day during the summer, we were watching Miami Vice on a VHS tape. Wendell began to tell me about another of the boys in the neighborhood coming over and giving Wendell a blowjob. As we talked, he slipped his t-shirt off and then his running shorts. There he was with his hard cock sticking straight out. I quickly came out of my boots, jeans, and polo shirt. I told him about some of the jerk off fantasies that I had been having; they all involved me spanking someone else very hard. Now I was dripping all over the carpet. He mentioned that his father beat his ass in his parent’s bedroom and had a special belt for the job. We walked down the hall toward his parent’s bedroom with our cocks slapping our bellies. When we got to the bedroom, he went to the closet and got the belt and walked over and handed it to me. I told him to bed over the bed. I then whipped his ass hard causing welts and stripes. After he could take no more, he rolled over and I gave him my first blowjob and swallowed all he could give. Then I flipped him over and fucked him as hard as I could until we both came.
A few notes before I continue; I do not write this to be fantasy material. I write it to help you understand what is coming. The HIV and AIDS epidemic were not yet known or understood in 1982. This highly risky behavior was natural to the two of us but would be suicide in today’s world.
We played for the rest of the summer but grew apart. As I became more comfortable with being gay, he began to have more problems with his actions. He began drinking heavily. Over the years, I tried to share some of my insights into the situation. Wendell ended up having two divorces. We spoke about twice a year until 2004. He began using heroin and crystal meth. I tried to help but for some reason the sex and experiences that we shared from that summer caused him shame and humiliation.
Two weeks ago, Wendell called me and wanted me to visit him. I explained to him that I was in Palm Springs and that Master would not allow it. On Monday of this week, I found out that he jumped from the top of Ore Mountain and fell 2200 feet to his death. I received the suicide note on Tuesday. I am now in pain.
The pain is not necessarily because he took his own life. That was a decision that he made himself. My pain is that I allowed him to be in that kind of pain for so many years. I could have come out to our high school friends and told them that I had molested him. I could have showed more compassion for him and gone to him in his latest time in need. The leather community and gay community could be more vocal about the fact that we are everywhere. I do not know if any of this would have helped.
I do have a request for you readers. Whoever is the most important in your life, let them know it. Stand up and be counted as gay or straight, kinky or vanilla, Dominant or submissive. Do not stand in the shadows. Show the world that we live in every city, town, hamlet, or village. Show the world that sex should never shame a person so much that they take the most drastic action of all. I will have to live with the ways in which I failed Wendell by not speaking to him about his toying with deep, dark, repressed feelings and urges that he had.
Please love and be loved unreservedly.